Depression affects 19 million Americans. I feel it's the taboo topic people don't talk about. Commercials for medications for the disease are cartoons and the far end of the spectrum of laying in bed all day. There are other spectrums of it. There are people like me who just live on an emotional roller coaster. That know it has to be masked and medicated and/or bottled up to ensure the happiness of the children in their lives don't get affected by the sadness and emptiness we feel deep in our soul...but have poor spouses that get the crap end of the stick like mine when I can't keep that Oscar winning performance up 24/7 and get the irritable, moody, and emotional hot mess of a wife that is vulnerable, raw, and broken.
I write this post as a step towards being open and honest and real. Nobody writes this chapter in the book of growing up. June 23, 2012 I promised my husband in front of God, our family, and friends that I was his partner in life through good times and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer. Who knew we'd battle so many of those vows in our first year of marriage.
Insomnia is a big part of my depression. I started this blog to be a creative and productive place for me to come to when insomnia struck. I stopped writing when all I wanted to talk about was the wedding but it was a surprise so in order to not slip I just quit writing. I don't have anything holding me back now. I'm back to not sleeping and hoping this can be my little mini therapy session.
Hermit mode is another part of my depression. Financial stress on our family has changed the way we function these days. From the outside looking in I've had the gravy boat in our first year of marriage. I've been able to stay home and not work and be with our little ray of sunshine. But man....some days being a single income family makes life hard. It causes budgets that are not kosher to life pre-Presley or pre-wedding. It causes declines to go do fun things with friends. It causes unhealthy food choices at the store because there's a small budget to feed 3 people all week and let's face it - eating healthy is expensive. It causes what used to be weekly or frequent shopping adventures to go away completely and become tag alongs when my Mom goes shopping because we can only afford to have her come get us and count tagging along as our exciting adventure out of the house for the day if we even leave the house that week. I posted one of those funny some e cards this week on FB that I was so happy to see one had been made because it meant other people have hermit mode. It's what drove me to check into the depression clinical trial. A friend from high school commented that she didn't picture me as a hermit since I was so social in high school. But I am. I get so caught up in not wanting to get dressed to go hang out with people. I'm already fragile in my self esteem I just stay home with the 2 people who love me and take me for the poor emotional crazy person I am...and I don't have to put makeup on, curl my hair, and squeeze into jeans that button instead of yoga pants that easily go up and over my fatness. Lucky me.
In the screening today I was asked when I was diagnosed with depression. I said my first encounter with medicine was after finishing my cancer treatments. I was crying in every appointment. They said I needed something to take the edge off all the attention cancer was given and when treatment was over there would be this void and it'd help fill it. I was on medicine for 3 months before I took myself off. It was the wrong drug for me. I felt like a robot. That's all I knew about antidepressants. They made you feel like a....no I take that back...I didn't feel anything. I was a dragging plateau. I was alive. I just beat cancer. What better time to FEEL alive than that?!
My next adventure with treating what was an apparent issue was about 5 months after having Presley. We had just moved back to Dallas from Houston. Life was crazy. I was working and stressing over the way life was going. But I loved my child. I loved what at the time was my boyfriend and father of my child. I knew it wasn't postpartum. But much like the first encounter, I was crying. All. The. Time. I was sensitive towards everything. But I couldn't put a finger on what was wrong. My sweet OB/Gyn used that medical degree of his to earn his paycheck on what was also my 29th birthday. He was so gentle about it. He hugged me, wiped my cheek free of my ever flowing tears, and said there was a solution. It was another pill. I was so hesitant to start that medication. At the time Presley was still sleeping in our room. Jay is a heavy sleeper. How did I know if I took these little pills I'd hear my baby if she woke up in the middle of the night? It truly took me a month of the bottles sitting on my night stand before I finally took one. I couldn't keep feeling empty. I had this baby girl and this man I loved and they deserved so much more than the shell of a person I was giving them.
So then the crappy side affect of medicated depression kicked in.....lack of libido. A few months after being put on the medicine I lost my insurance when I quit working and my doctor was awesome and changed me to a lower priced drug I could afford while we were in the interim of insurance coverage. I went back to my doctor about a year of being on the medicine. I explained I had tried taking myself off the medicine thinking life was hunky dory again and quickly figured out that was a bad idea. I needed the balancing the medicine brought to my quality of life. But being a newlywed I was concerned with the side effects that I was unable to participate in because I just couldn't even think about it or want to participate in. I was sad my husband was having to suffer more than just being an innocent bystander to my roller coaster ride. So we switched to a third drug. It cost a freaking arm and a leg. And Jay was changing jobs and again insurance was about to be gone for 90 days. So I stopped taking medicine for my depression. Cold turkey. Not highly recommended by anyone.....including me. There are days I think I'm doing ok. But I'm not at the 75-80% of being normal feeling like I am when on the meds. More like 30-35%. So again....this clinical trial commercial was like a knock on my stubborn head to get back to being a healthy wife and mom. We have insurance and I could get back on medicine without the trial....and if I don't end up qualifying I will do just that.
I go back in 2 weeks to do the major screening to see if I qualify as a depression candidate not being treated. I barely made the weight criteria cut off. They want a certain BMI percentage and by .7% I was in. That was huge. That put a skip in my step. That meant I was not as heavy on a scale as the last time I was on one. But the potential disqualifying criteria was my blood pressure. I've never had an issue with my BP. The girl tried 2 machines on me 5 times before she took a reading that was insanely high. The doctor then met with me and gave me that loving "good old fashioned depression" spiel. He also tried 2 different machines another 15 times. 2 different cuff sizes...sleeve on/sleeveless. All gave different readings. Extremely low and extremely high. I mentioned I usually don't have white coat syndrome but given the amount of times we were doing this wouldn't anyone's reading be crazy?! Fingers crossed it was just a fluke...
I'm very open to participating in this trial. I'm open to getting past being a hermit. I'm open to being real. Feeling happiness and sadness. Maybe even getting some sleep again....but let's not put all of our eggs in one basket. : )
If you are battling this disease, I feel where you are. It's real. It's nasty. It's soul sucking. It's hindering. It's also something that can be treated. I'm the first to admit how easy it is to bottle things up and wait on the geyser explosion of emotions. I'm the first to admit its easy to just be a victim of it. To wallow in it, have other areas of life be affected by it - finances, weight, self worth. There's someone else out there who won't talk about it...who wonders what someone will think if they mention they're on something to make life better. I'm not that person. I'm putting my raw version of this battle out there for you to see. It helps to have family and friends let you vent, cry to, message on Facebook (you know who you are - and again a million times thank you for chatting and helping me get past tears and in this controlled emotion state of mind to write this). Someone out there won't talk about it and will let it eat them alive. I used to have this mental thought that no matter how dark or deep I got in my emotions I couldn't ever imagine my mom having to tell my youngest brother life was too much and I had taken my level of despair to my death. I couldn't imagine him suffering because I couldn't deal with what life had handed me. I now have a precious 2 year old daughter that has taken that spot. I can't imagine someone having to tell her one day her Mommy couldn't handle life anymore and gave up and her ever question if she was to blame. Instead I'm done wallowing in the hermit life. I'm taking a stand for my daughter. For my husband. Even more - for myself. I deserve to enjoy life. I was given a second chance. I've lost that fire somewhere along the way and I want to be the girl on fire. Move over, Katniss and Alicia Keys....Taylor is coming back full force.
I love you Taylor!! Love the honesty and putting it out there for others to know they aren't alone!! Proud of you babe!
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