"you just have good old fashioned depression"

After seeing a commercial for a clinical trial in the Dallas area yesterday I applied online not knowing if I'd qualify. Got a call today and went to the pre-screening appointment. I got told the 3rd weirdest doctor phrase I've ever been told. "You just have good old fashioned depression." Say what?! Who says that?! It ranks up there with my oncologist saying, "Of all the cancers to have, Hodgkin's is the best one!" Again....say WHAT? Number 3 would be the doctor in Houston who said I'd never be able to have children due to the chemo and radiation I had 8 years prior....a month later to find out I was pregnant.

Depression affects 19 million Americans. I feel it's the taboo topic people don't talk about. Commercials for medications for the disease are cartoons and the far end of the spectrum of laying in bed all day. There are other spectrums of it. There are people like me who just live on an emotional roller coaster. That know it has to be masked and medicated and/or bottled up to ensure the happiness of the children in their lives don't get affected by the sadness and emptiness we feel deep in our soul...but have poor spouses that get the crap end of the stick like mine when I can't keep that Oscar winning performance up 24/7 and get the irritable, moody, and emotional hot mess of a wife that is vulnerable, raw, and broken.

I write this post as a step towards being open and honest and real. Nobody writes this chapter in the book of growing up. June 23, 2012 I promised my husband in front of God, our family, and friends that I was his partner in life through good times and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer. Who knew we'd battle so many of those vows in our first year of marriage.

Insomnia is a big part of my depression. I started this blog to be a creative and productive place for me to come to when insomnia struck. I stopped writing when all I wanted to talk about was the wedding but it was a surprise so in order to not slip I just quit writing. I don't have anything holding me back now. I'm back to not sleeping and hoping this can be my little mini therapy session.

Hermit mode is another part of my depression. Financial stress on our family has changed the way we function these days. From the outside looking in I've had the gravy boat in our first year of marriage. I've been able to stay home and not work and be with our little ray of sunshine. But man....some days being a single income family makes life hard. It causes budgets that are not kosher to life pre-Presley or pre-wedding. It causes declines to go do fun things with friends. It causes unhealthy food choices at the store because there's a small budget to feed 3 people all week and let's face it - eating healthy is expensive. It causes what used to be weekly or frequent shopping adventures to go away completely and become tag alongs when my Mom goes shopping because we can only afford to have her come get us and count tagging along as our exciting adventure out of the house for the day if we even leave the house that week. I posted one of those funny some e cards this week on FB that I was so happy to see one had been made because it meant other people have hermit mode. It's what drove me to check into the depression clinical trial. A friend from high school commented that she didn't picture me as a hermit since I was so social in high school. But I am. I get so caught up in not wanting to get dressed to go hang out with people. I'm already fragile in my self esteem I just stay home with the 2 people who love me and take me for the poor emotional crazy person I am...and I don't have to put makeup on, curl my hair, and squeeze into jeans that button instead of yoga pants that easily go up and over my fatness. Lucky me.

In the screening today I was asked when I was diagnosed with depression. I said my first encounter with medicine was after finishing my cancer treatments. I was crying in every appointment. They said I needed something to take the edge off all the attention cancer was given and when treatment was over there would be this void and it'd help fill it. I was on medicine for 3 months before I took myself off. It was the wrong drug for me. I felt like a robot. That's all I knew about antidepressants. They made you feel like a....no I take that back...I didn't feel anything. I was a dragging plateau. I was alive. I just beat cancer. What better time to FEEL alive than that?!

My next adventure with treating what was an apparent issue was about 5 months after having Presley. We had just moved back to Dallas from Houston. Life was crazy. I was working and stressing over the way life was going. But I loved my child. I loved what at the time was my boyfriend and father of my child. I knew it wasn't postpartum. But much like the first encounter, I was crying. All. The. Time. I was sensitive towards everything. But I couldn't put a finger on what was wrong. My sweet OB/Gyn used that medical degree of his to earn his paycheck on what was also my 29th birthday. He was so gentle about it. He hugged me, wiped my cheek free of my ever flowing tears, and said there was a solution. It was another pill. I was so hesitant to start that medication. At the time Presley was still sleeping in our room. Jay is a heavy sleeper. How did I know if I took these little pills I'd hear my baby if she woke up in the middle of the night? It truly took me a month of the bottles sitting on my night stand before I finally took one. I couldn't keep feeling empty. I had this baby girl and this man I loved and they deserved so much more than the shell of a person I was giving them.

So then the crappy side affect of medicated depression kicked in.....lack of libido. A few months after being put on the medicine I lost my insurance when I quit working and my doctor was awesome and changed me to a lower priced drug I could afford while we were in the interim of insurance coverage. I went back to my doctor about a year of being on the medicine. I explained I had tried taking myself off the medicine thinking life was hunky dory again and quickly figured out that was a bad idea. I needed the balancing the medicine brought to my quality of life. But being a newlywed I was concerned with the side effects that I was unable to participate in because I just couldn't even think about it or want to participate in. I was sad my husband was having to suffer more than just being an innocent bystander to my roller coaster ride. So we switched to a third drug. It cost a freaking arm and a leg. And Jay was changing jobs and again insurance was about to be gone for 90 days. So I stopped taking medicine for my depression. Cold turkey. Not highly recommended by anyone.....including me. There are days I think I'm doing ok. But I'm not at the 75-80% of being normal feeling like I am when on the meds. More like 30-35%. So again....this clinical trial commercial was like a knock on my stubborn head to get back to being a healthy wife and mom. We have insurance and I could get back on medicine without the trial....and if I don't end up qualifying I will do just that.

I go back in 2 weeks to do the major screening to see if I qualify as a depression candidate not being treated. I barely made the weight criteria cut off. They want a certain BMI percentage and by .7% I was in. That was huge. That put a skip in my step. That meant I was not as heavy on a scale as the last time I was on one. But the potential disqualifying criteria was my blood pressure. I've never had an issue with my BP. The girl tried 2 machines on me 5 times before she took a reading that was insanely high. The doctor then met with me and gave me that loving "good old fashioned depression" spiel. He also tried 2 different machines another 15 times. 2 different cuff sizes...sleeve on/sleeveless. All gave different readings. Extremely low and extremely high. I mentioned I usually don't have white coat syndrome but given the amount of times we were doing this wouldn't anyone's reading be crazy?! Fingers crossed it was just a fluke...

I'm very open to participating in this trial. I'm open to getting past being a hermit. I'm open to being real. Feeling happiness and sadness. Maybe even getting some sleep again....but let's not put all of our eggs in one basket. : )

If you are battling this disease, I feel where you are. It's real. It's nasty. It's soul sucking. It's hindering. It's also something that can be treated. I'm the first to admit how easy it is to bottle things up and wait on the geyser explosion of emotions. I'm the first to admit its easy to just be a victim of it. To wallow in it, have other areas of life be affected by it - finances, weight, self worth. There's someone else out there who won't talk about it...who wonders what someone will think if they mention they're on something to make life better. I'm not that person. I'm putting my raw version of this battle out there for you to see. It helps to have family and friends let you vent, cry to, message on Facebook (you know who you are - and again a million times thank you for chatting and helping me get past tears and in this controlled emotion state of mind to write this). Someone out there won't talk about it and will let it eat them alive. I used to have this mental thought that no matter how dark or deep I got in my emotions I couldn't ever imagine my mom having to tell my youngest brother life was too much and I had taken my level of despair to my death. I couldn't imagine him suffering because I couldn't deal with what life had handed me. I now have a precious 2 year old daughter that has taken that spot. I can't imagine someone having to tell her one day her Mommy couldn't handle life anymore and gave up and her ever question if she was to blame. Instead I'm done wallowing in the hermit life. I'm taking a stand for my daughter. For my husband. Even more - for myself. I deserve to enjoy life. I was given a second chance. I've lost that fire somewhere along the way and I want to be the girl on fire. Move over, Katniss and Alicia Keys....Taylor is coming back full force.

let sleeping babies lie...

I have a confession....or 2 or 3....

I have the best sleeping baby ever. She's the best when she's awake and making everyone, herself included, laugh and enjoy her precious little personality. But seriously, my baby sleeps like a champ.

I put her to bed at 9 pm. She seriously sleeps till 10-11ish the next day. She gets up and has her morning milka milka (as she calls any drink) and breakfast and plays. Give that little nugget an hour and a half to two hours and those pretty blue eyes are getting rubbed and those little words I love to hear so very much get uttered....night night mom mom.

So begins nap #1....for a good 2-3 hours...which I adore as my little spats of insomnia can catch up on some missed zzzz's and make a nice mommy for when the boss lady wakes up.

So she wakes up...second time of the day to walk in to this little cherub standing in her crib...arms crossed looking at you like "welcome back to my room - wanna play?". So we eat lunch and play. This is truly one of the best playing babies as one of my other confessions. I adore her sense of independence. She is so happy to go in her room and play by herself for 45 minute stretches. She's not a huge TV watcher...although commercials come on and she's captivated...gotta love that short and sweet instant gratification. She truly would rather play with her toys and above all her booka bookas. A child after my own heart. I think if she had to pick a Disney princess personality twin, she'd be Belle. Hang out with a guy who has a library as big as hers and a sweet soul who loves you no matter what you look like.

This playtime can be altered of course. We can be out running errands, playing at home (still in our pj's - duh!), or lately splashing around in the pool when she declares in her little raft with her head down once again those magical little words, night night mom mom. (Hard to break it to a 16 month old naps can't be taken in the pool when you're just a little goldfish like her!)

And nap #2 commences for another 2-4 hours. I know she has been given the milestones paperwork at the pediatrician at check ups that she should be down to one nap....but she asks for it and who am I to say no?! When Jay's mom told me he decided naps weren't necessary once he turned one I just died on the inside for her! At 34, he still can't take a nap. At almost 30, I would die without at least one!

So we wake up again with that long hair in her precious puffy just woke up face, with her typical questions on her mind. "Lola? MeeMee? Kennedy? Dad Dad? Booka booka? Milka milka?". Yes. All of those are asked upon every waking moment. This kid's mind must have the same hamster wheel her mother has - constantly wondering what's going on with all the ones and things she loves.

And yet again playing begins, now in her new found lower drawers and playing the "let's take everything out" is followed by her OCD trait of "then put everything back I took out" begins. First part - definitely from me. Second part - definitely her dad...mommy doesn't like the clean up portion - look at my house or ask my sweet man and he'll agree - ha!

Sometime into this portion of open eyes is her absolute favorite part of her day. The dogs tip her off when they hear the garage door open and the three musketeers RACE to the back door for their long awaited arrival of DAD DAD!!!! He greets all three anxious little guests awaiting their acknowledgement from their favorite person in the world's home bound arrival. It's one of my highlights, too. To have been at home all day with all 3 little bittles and attended to all their needs, Jay walking in is like their peanut butter to their jelly. Life is good again.

And then comes her second favorite daily event(perhaps third since napping is a popular daily to-do). She (im)patiently waits for Jay to change clothes and jump in his arms and walk into the kitchen where once again the boss lady commands, "Go Go!". It's time for her Daddy and Presley ritual of going outside and watering our ever growing little garden. It's another sign that she is her Daddy's girl - that kid can't get enough outside time. I'll claim the booka booka love affair.

Once the ever present mosquitos suck the sweet sweet juice/blood to the point of irritation on my part (she doesn't care!) it's time to go in and either veg for a bit or start dinner or play a bit more. She is now a champ at eating whatever we make for dinner with us...although she never complains when she gets the same dinner she had for lunch - the other half of whatever variety of Progresso soup that I've dumped the broth out of so she can indulge on the veggies and noodles. Toss some playing in and we start into the magical 8-9 time frame and the request of milka milka starts the countdown to slumber.

We go into her room as a big family, puppies included of course, to tuck Sleeping Beauty in, hand her one of the pacifiers she's refused to give up at bed time but not needed during the day, and occasionally the last of the milk she hasn't finished. She gets her sound lamb turned on and warm wishes of love and sweet dreams and kisses and a run down of our next day and any companions she may run into and it's lights out.

One of my favorite things to do starts from here....above her crib Jay installed our video baby monitor camera to look directly down into her bed. The child has 1 normal sized pillow, 3 little pillows, and 4 or 5 soft babies/animals to love on, her paci and the occasional beverage leftovers. Keep in mind I haven't mentioned a peep coming from her at any of the times to be laid down. She silently sits up for a few minutes to rearrange her pillows and usually changes the sound of the lamb from rain to the heartbeat (which from the monitor makes it sound as if Darth Vader is constantly watching over her with his creepy breathing sound) or the whale songs or the ocean waves. She then morphs into sleeping like her Daddy. You have to almost play Where's Waldo/Pinpoint Presley when she decides to snuggle under her pillow and all you see are little legs in a Wizard of Oz house on top of her style. She is a traveling sleeper. She lays in some of the most bizarre positions. But it's the nights like this one that makes me giggle. It's 4:31 am and it's like she may have an intuition someone else is up because she slightly stirs. Not waking up completely, but enough to change positions, figure out if it's better with the little pillow on her face (5 or 6 times of this on and off her face routine), time to pat one of her babies to sleep, or pat around looking for the paci or drink, and maybe start the lamb up again. She doesn't know these sweet moments are some of my favorites. Watching her little idiosyncrasies and quirks that make my little princess more Sleeping Beauty's Aurora's twin now rather than Belle.

I keep the monitor plugged in on my side of the bed for when she decides to wake in the morning ready for her list of comments and concerns as mentioned above. I've told Jay I will be so sad the day he thinks it's an invasion of privacy to no longer be "big mother" and secretly peep into my child's room and world through the camera and monitor. It's the little rearrange my bed to sleep better, showing her maternal instincts soothing her little babies to sleep, and being a part of a little slice of her her night life that make my not sleeping not so lonesome.

Birthday celebrations

As I am trying to plan my 30th birthday bash I have found myself remembering all the 29 other celebrations that led me to this day. Can you remember some of your favorite parties or presents? I sure can!

I have pictures to know my parents went all out for my first birthday...100+ people to celebrate a one year old is quite a way to set the bar going forward. I know there was a fun party when we lived in Israel that I was dressed like a bride and got the whole Barbie wedding setup - complete with the plastic grass to set the chairs for Barbie and Ken's friends, little bouquets my grandmother made for the bridal party, and hearing I had an accident during the party in my costume and had to change before heading down for the pool party.

I remember my first birthday party right before my mom and David got married at White Rock Skating rink where I received not one but two baby lab puppies with giant bows scampering onto the rink - Pollyanna and Penelope - what a great present times two!

I know there was a spin art party, watermelon theme pool party in our Grand Prairie house backyard complete with a NKOTB cake, a makeover party which we jammed to the new hit cassette tape single "Whoomp! There it is!" and went to Ogle for makeovers, small slumber parties and trips to the cute little Duncanville tea room, concert at Six Flags to see Richard Marx (don't laugh-I asked for it!), 50's theme skating party at PCBC, my mom quizzing me on my present to get it - "a drug dealer, a doctor, and now you have this in common?" (a pager), getting back from our fabulous Washington, D.C. Choir tour and heading to Traildust for a big dinner and dancing night, family dinners on birthdays there wasn't a huge party, and then the ever memorable (depending on alcohol consumption maybe not so memorable) bar hopping nights, jetting off to spend 10 days in the south of France with my family wasn't too shabby either!

Looking at where I have been the last 3 years - France for 27, I was able to announce on my 28th birthday after passing the "safe to tell" time frame that I was pregnant, 29 was marked with being given anti-depressants and a grilled dinner at home with my little family, and now here comes 30.....

I love that it is a celebration with friends, family, kids, and good times for all. How funny to think going to a bar these days involves babysitters, looking up at 10ish exhausted, and ooooooover the bar scene....let's say a big HALLELUJAH! I am proud of growing up into this part of my life with what really matters and not the superficial, expensive bar tabs, stressing over finding the perfect dress, and hoping everyone who RSVP'd showed up.

Bring it 30. I've got big plans for you...let's see how this party holds up to the others....

coupons and country music

Strange combo I know....but after only a 2 hour "nap" since my lack of sleeping last night I've thought of a million more things I'd like to write about...so for this post I'll narrow it down to 2.

Couponing....this has to be the most bizarre thing in my mind. Maybe we are too stuck in specific brands and too new school to go every Sunday to buy a paper for the monetary relief of coupons. I had Jay pick up a Sunday paper last night if they still had any left being Monday. He spent the $3 on a paper and after going through the flyers we only managed to find $1.75 in savings for my grocery trip today. I go to the store every other Tuesday and by that time we need to pretty much restock and I know how much I'll spend - especially if it's a diaper, laundry soap, dog food, beer and/or wine extra money kind of trip. Let's ballpark and say for the 2 weeks on average I spend $215 for our 2.5 people that eat. So how the heck do people save toooooons of money and all I could find was $1.75?! Sure I clipped some for another trip that more than likely will be expired before I could use them...but what am I missing?! I don't understand the concept of saving a dollar when you have to buy 3 of something - that's just spending more money and silly talk! I will be the first to admit we are partial to our normal brand names so I'm not up for venturing to an off brand - but there are so many name brand coupons....and I don't understand splitting my shopping to multiple stores to save a few bucks when I could save that money just going to good ole Wal-Mart and buying what we are needing. If you have an insight as to what I'm missing please tell me because this one newspaper loss has me even more repulsed over trying to save with coupons than before....

Off my soap box (coupon free I might add) and on to something that makes me not as confused....country music. I guess I could broaden that to just iTunes in general. Music is the international language that has such a passion check mark in my book. As I was being a vampire last night and wide awake I browsed through iTunes on my phone and it's like they have this kryptonite effect on me....they know I'm supposed to be on a strict and tight budget not splurging on non-essentials and then that little iTunes angel/devil scenario comes out. I think there should be a series of security questions they should ask you after a certain time of day...it's as bad as drunk texting. You should have some kind of buffer saying "are you SURE you want to 'just browse' as you have a habit of purchasing items in the wee hours of the morning - especially around payday.". I was so nonchalant with my purchases "back in the day" when songs were .99 - it was like buying 2 tacos at Jack-in-the-Box. Then the $1.29 took over and it was that more than a dollar shock that made the purchase button a little harder to click...but let's be real - still purchased. Then the infomercial zombie effect comes out in me of the "easy payment of .69" for new songs added or the "featured albums for 7.99" - why does that seem like such a great deal I can't pass up?! Especially when I own the cd of most of the albums I would consider buying....but they've been with a friend of mine for over a year now and the quality in my mind would be better bought digitally versus my million year old cd's loaded onto my library. (Justification you will learn is my weakness...I am forever the devils advocate...) But I am one of those that truly can hear a song and trigger a slew of memories...music speaks to my inner soul in places that even my beloved Jay and tiny human can't reach - probably not great to admit but it's a different place like an old friend or something materialistic that will be in your heart no matter the season, reason, or lifetime purpose. So upon perusing the main iTunes page last night and seeing the albums for a whopping $7.99 it triggered so many bittersweet memories. Dixie Chicks first big album Wide Open Spaces (which mentally I then think to go check the other 2 albums prices because they hold an eternal memory aura over me as well), Kenny Chesney's Greatest Hits...followed by the $.69 wonders that out of nowhere hits you with the long lost song you haven't heard in forever but mentally justify even if you end up only playing it a few times and then skip after that - it pays for itself in that many play times right?! How do you say no to Love Shack, Bette Davis Eyes, Tiffany's version of I Think We're Alone Now, Drop It Like It's Hot, or old songs by Staind. I know - random bipolar choice of music. I claim my iPod has schizophrenia. I have recently started taking time out for "mommy time" once I put Presley down for the night to go sit outside now that the weather is nice and usually take a glass of wine and unwind. It's the best healthy selfishness present. My iTunes on my iPad or iPhone usually accompanies my wine, pool view, baby monitor, and puppies. There is some kind of healing power 30 minutes of shuffle can do to my soul. Even if I'm on my phone I still have my iPad playing on the patio table next to me. Maybe I should join an iTunes addiction club....if it required thousands and thousands of dollars (yes - its sickening how much money I've handed over in the 9 years I've been an iPod/iPhone/iPad owner) then they may let me in. But it's like a cheap version of therapy for me...it's heart mending, soul soothing, booty shaking, sharing my eternal love of music with my baby girl to learn rhythm and variety and Jay as the ever silent over my music choice but willing to listen kind of therapy....and because of that - I'll purchase for $.69, $1.29, or $7.99 any day....or accept iTunes gift cards - ha!

I guess I should try to get some sleep now that it's drawing near to my little boss' waking time....

May a song fill your heart today (and your iTunes library) and a coupon save you more than $1.75...

tbs

hello insomnia....

i have wrestled with starting a blog for years...so get ready this should be a loooooong first post!


i guess technically i had one before they were an everyday pop culture thing to do when i wrote on my cancer website at www.taylorsowers.info


so i began my nighttime ritual of going to bed at 10 and trying with every ounce i have of sleepiness i have to go to sleep ...and now here we are at 2:36 and i can't take listening to another episode of mindless television and decided to try to be productive and cross off one of my "things i should do" items by starting this blog.  my mind races at 90 mph in 27 different directions 24/7...this should be a nice outlet to get some of them out and maybe attempt that sleeping thing...i hear it's pretty awesome.


as i laid in bed thinking about my day it got me going in those 27 directions...
1.  before i go any further there is something you should know about me.  it's a well known fact if you know me so no shock value when i say i have a very non-traditional spiritual gift (so my mother and i have decided).  googling.  even typing it says i am wrong - but it has helped me be right on so many occasions.  it is a blessing and a curse.  much like web md...where you can be .4 seconds away from death or the first to be healed in one short medical synopsis paragraph.  the google super power can be that one little thing i need to calm the hamsters in my ever running brain and also begin a whole new crazy google marathon....it will be mentioned in many a post i can almost guarantee - let me continue though in my other 26 directions first...  
2.  i finished reading the hunger games trilogy today and i wish i could blame my lack of sleep on my distaste for the ending. don't get me wrong - they were amazing books with a great story to be told.  i am very glad i jumped on the bandwagon and read the books, saw the movie at midnight when it was released, and have a very wonderful mother who helped fuel their income by purchasing me not one but two tshirts that i wear proudly.  i heard that the next book/books i should venture into are the girl with the dragon tattoo series.  well of course the super google power took over and like an idiot i tried to read the plot outline on wikipedia.  someone should really write **spoiler alert** before they give you the whole dang story without all the little minor details.  now i feel like i've spoiled it and maybe should search for a new book to read...
3.  after the gwtdt epic failure i finally decided laying in bed wasn't going to get me to sleep so i decided maybe a hot bath would relax me and i added the super lavender bedtime bath bubbles for a little extra help.  all that did was get me into a million games back and forth with my mother on words with friends.  (don't worry - i know i shouldn't use my phone in the tub...i lean it over the edge because with my luck i would drop it)  let me just say that playing my mom is like playing the scrabble dictionary.  i find such joy in my rare instances of beating her i go ahead and take a screen shot on my phone so there is some kind of evidence that she was defeated...even if it's by default from her losing points with the letters she still had in her hand...a win is a win.  but  that is one of those things i put down on the "reasons i love my mother" list...she has always encouraged us to use our brain power in the most different ways.  it goes back to our 30 minute drives back and forth from grand prairie to dallas to go to church.   everything from how many words can you make out of a certain word, rhyming games, six degrees of separation, etc.  never a dull moment in our car - then and even today we still do it.  it helps that our level of sarcasm has increased over the years...makes the games much more fun....and something i dearly hope to pass on to my own child...
4.  my child.  i wish i could say she pops in and out of my head but let's be real...she stays there all the time.  i can't believe what an amazing little person she is growing up to be.    she has the biggest love for life, a big sense of humor for a little person, and captures the heart of everyone she encounters is how i described her in a text with a friend tonight...i think that about sums it up.  God definitely decided to reward me with presley blake's personality and disposition after the 9 months of throwing up with her!
5.  i mentioned the connection between googling and web md earlier because it was one of my little adventures in insomnia tonight.  on my 29th birthday, my lovely ob/gyn was so kind to give me the present of an anti-depressant.  not exactly what i wanted but after almost being on it for a year i would say it was a fabulous present.  and yet it makes my little bit of control issues take over thinking maybe i should get off of them now as compared to when i think of the situation i was in when he prescribed them to me...we had just moved from houston to dallas, presley was 5 months old, we had just moved into our house and getting adjusted to our new incomes and lifestyle, oh and working was a wee bit stressful to say the least.  looking back i probably should've been put on something more than the lexapro he had me on but it did it's trick - all the way until i was no longer working aka no longer had insurance.  he was very kind to switch me to celexa as it was a cheaper drug and would do the same thing. that's where google comes in....the side effects of this stuff could make one go bananas.  combine that with the side effects of my depo-provera shot i get every 3 months and it is like cinderella's fairy godmothers singing bippity boppity boo here's your reasons for insomnia!  thank the lord above that my child is a fabulous sleeper and will sleep in for when my body and mind finally decide to like each other and let me sleep for a few hours.  don't get me wrong - i can take naps like a pro...seriously i should get paid for nap taking.  but come 10 when jay is ready to go lay down and watch the news before our changing to our nightly line up thanks to channel 21 is like a big fat tease for me tossing and turning and finally giving up and getting out of bed to pass the time away.  you know it's bad when you can leave the room and come back in and know what time it is by what show is on and not ever look at a clock.  long story short - the side effects of withdrawls after stopping celexa scared me and yet relieved me that i will not take myself off and yet very grateful other people have the same side effects and questions i do!  the power of google reigns again.


i know i said 27 directions and i'm now 22 short...but for a first time blogger i guess i should save some of my thoughts for another time....


i have always thought this would be a great hobby for me...i have led quite a life to be told up to now...and i know there is so much more to come.  i hope you can enjoy it with me...at least enjoy the sleep you are getting that i am not - ha!


tbs